Feelings of loneliness are pervasive these days. I repeatedly hear, in my personal and my professional life, from people describing experiences of loneliness. Sometimes it is hard to fathom that in our culture of connectivity and a variety of technologies to choose from for instant communication, more and more people feel disconnected from everyone around them.  

What is Loneliness? 

Loneliness is a subjective sense of being disconnected from others. It is about our perceptions; therefore, even if we are physically surrounded by others, we can still feel alone. It is about a sense of connection, reciprocation, and being seen.

Some events that might contribute to or trigger feelings of loneliness include moving to a new home or community, not having a partner or a pet if you want one, people you encounter not making time for you, living by yourself, or even starting a new job. 

So, What’s Going On? 

As humans, we are social creatures. We’ve lived in groups for our whole history but the nature of those groups and ways of relating within them are changing. 

Living Arrangements

We tend to live in single person or family dwellings. The majority of the time, and the goal for many individuals, is to have a single generation or one nuclear family living in a shared space. Gone are the days of living close to family or with extended family. Even when living in an apartment style home, the desire is for minimal shared spaces (i.e., kitchen, laundry, outdoor patio, etc.). 

Work Life

In this post-pandemic world, remote work (even when living close to a previous in-person office) is more and more common and desired. Not only are people working from home more often, they are also working less consistent hours based on whatever is convenient for other obligations in their schedules. Remote work also means less opportunity for “water cooler” conversations, lunch break catch-ups,  and spontaneous after work gatherings. Historically, those were significant moments when connection and rapport building occurred with colleagues. 

Digital Communities

Digital communication is a regular part of life. That might mean video meetings, group texting, Instagram meme-sharing, etc. While this is fun and provides some convenience to our communication, it lacks depth in connecting with others.

Not only do we communicate via devices, we spend so much time connected to our devices - we often send signals that we don’t want to connect at all. Consider how often you have headphones on when you are out and around other people, like at the gym or even grocery shopping. Waiting in line or for an appointment is prime time to be sucked into a device, avoiding eye contact and potential interactions with other humans.

All of these new ways of living have benefits and conveniences but seem to negatively affect a sense of community and connection and contribute to increasing numbers of folks feeling lonelier than ever. 

What Can Be Done? 

First, it is important to remember that feeling lonely is normal and okay sometimes. Chronic loneliness becomes problematic. We are never going to eliminate this as a feeling that occurs from time to time. The goal is to set yourself up to mitigate this experience by establishing connections and investing in yourself and others to build relationships. 

Tips for Enhancing Connectedness

There are several ways to try to combat a sense of loneliness. Consider the following suggestions: 

Spend time in places where people gather.

Find the spots in your community or neighborhood where people tend to congregate and spend time together. This might be a library, a park, a coffee shop, or a community garden. 

You can find ways to pass the time in these spaces that leaves you open for engaging in conversation or even just eye contact. That might be eating lunch or a snack, or even reading a book. As previously mentioned, be cautious about the use of headphones, which tend to send a clear signal you don’t want to be approached or bothered. 

Community spaces like this often have events that are free or low cost. A local library might host a craft night or a park might show a fun movie on a portable screen. I know in my local area a community group has popped up for readers, a notoriously quiet and introverted bunch. The location of meetups changes, anyone is welcome, and there is no pressure to interact with others. You can quietly read amongst other readers or spark a conversation with fellow bibliophiles if you choose!  Keep your eyes peeled for events in your local area that might be of interest to you. You never know what you might find. 

Take a class.

This is a great way to connect with people who may share your interests. This could be as simple as going to a fitness class instead of working out alone at home. Or maybe you have an interest in learning to bake, paint, woodwork, or speak a new language. It could be a one-off class, a structured curriculum, or something ongoing. 

Over the past couple of years, I found an online American Sign Language class based in my area. It was something I always wanted to learn but shied away from because in-person classes were too difficult to attend. Now that online events are part of our daily lives, opportunities are abundant for connecting with others. Even though it was online, the vulnerability involved in putting yourself out there to try something new, make mistakes, and help each other grow really solidified a sense of cohesion in each cohort I found myself in. Some individuals even initiated online and in-person meet ups outside of class to practice and socialize with each other.  

Get to know your neighbors.

In our busy world, it can be easy to go about your business and gloss over connections that are right in front of your face. Proximity to others can be a great basis for connection. Do you say hello to your neighbors when you see them? Offer a friendly smile or a wave? Do you even know their names? It is amazing how little we know about the people who, literally, live closest to us. You don’t have to become best friends but a little effort can go a long way to feeling that much more connected in your area. 

Make small talk.

Now, hear me out. I know this one will make a lot of people cringe. Part of the reason we are so addicted to our phones or use headphones is to avoid the awkward small talk. Small talk can feel awkward but it can also ease tension because likely everyone is feeling a little bit awkward or uncomfortable and wondering if or how conversation should be made. It can be a way to pass the time, practice social skills, lighten the mood, share an experience, or find a new connection. 

Invest in relationships with others.

Relationships are constantly growing and evolving. Any relationship, even those that seem effortless, take some amount of work. If you don’t put any energy into them at all, distance (physical or emotional) will take its toll. 

You can give space and energy to relationships by simply checking in with each other. A text is great, a voice or video message can do wonders, and face to face is even better. If you’re like me, you might find yourself not wanting to be a bother or wondering if it is an okay time to reach out. Something I’ve learned over the years is to just do it. Reach out and let the person know you are thinking of them. They might respond right away or in a week (or longer) but the point is to make the effort. 

Seek support if you need it 

Loneliness can be crushing and once you are feeling that way, it can seem nearly impossible to change it. The fears of messing it up or being rejected are powerful motivators to avoid putting yourself out there. Moreover, it can be hard to admit that you are feeling lonely. There can be a stigma involved; yet, if you were to talk to others I think you’d find more people share those feelings that you expected.  And certainly, chronic feelings of loneliness can lead to mental, emotional, and physical concerns. If you are struggling and don’t know where to start, or would like some support along the way, consider seeking professional help. If you’d like to see about working with me - reach out here. I’d love to hear from you.

Summary/TL;DR

Loneliness can affect anyone, even in a world full of digital connections. You can address it by taking small steps to build meaningful relationships. This might mean joining local activities, making small talk, or reaching out to a friend. It’s normal to feel lonely sometimes, but chronic loneliness can affect your well-being. If you’re struggling, try these suggestions or seek professional support to help you reconnect and find fulfillment in your relationships.