Stop Trying to Control Your Anxiety

The Desire to Control Anxiety

One thing I hear over and over again is that people want to get control of their anxiety (or emotions, automatic thoughts, etc.). The problem with this is that it is a nearly impossible task and oftentimes can become counterproductive. Efforts to control the uncomfortable thoughts or feelings can sometimes just make them more prominent or more ingrained. 

People will contort themselves in all sorts of ways, physically and mentally, to avoid discomfort. That seems to make sense. After all, who wants to feel uncomfortable? We develop all kinds of coping mechanisms to allow us to avoid it at all costs. 

Here is where counterproductivity comes into play: When we do something to avoid the discomfort of anxiety, we can inadvertently reinforce the ideas, emotions, or thoughts that prompt us to use the strategy in the first place. 

For example, if you always start to feel anxious when you think about going to a concert because you don’t like big crowds, you probably opt not to go to them even if you really would love to have that experience.

A friend invites you → you feel anxious → you decline → your anxiety goes down.

Problem solved, right? 

Wrong.

What you’ve just taught yourself is that anxiety is bad and the only way to manage it is to avoid anything anxiety provoking. Avoidance is problematic because we aren’t actually dealing with whatever is triggering the anxiety and generally making our lives feel smaller. 

What’s Important to You?

It is critical to consider your values here. If you hate music and have no desire to ever attend a concert, then declining an invitation isn’t an act of avoidance. It is stating a preference and holding a good boundary. If you love music and would like to actually attend with your friend but say no because of the anxious thoughts and feelings associated with it, that is avoidance. That is anxiety making your life smaller instead of fuller. 

For more information about what a value is and how to determine what yours are - check out my previous blog post on Defining and Identifying Values. 

Being able to say yes to things that are important to you despite potentially feeling anxiety or discomfort means leaning in to accepting that discomfort is inevitable sometimes and anxiety can be manageable (not necessarily eliminated or controlled). 

So, What Are Some Steps Toward Leaning into the Discomfort? 

Figure out what is worth the discomfort:

One step, as mentioned above, is to figure out what is really important to you. Consider how your life might look and feel differently if anxiety wasn’t holding you back. Would you travel more? Try out for a local theater group? Sign up for a cooking class? Ask for a raise or promotion? Go on field trips with your children? Would you be able to relax at the end of the day instead of feeling compelled to be on the go until you collapse from sheer exhaustion? 

Knowing what you are working towards and what a full life looks like for you can be a motivating way to push past the discomfort or commit to trying something different. Keep in mind that the picture you paint is of your own making. I don’t want you to focus on what you think you “should do” or “should want” based on what others have told you, what you’ve seen on Instagram, or what society at large deems worthy of focus. 

Defuse from negative self-talk:

When you consider stopping your avoidance strategies, all kinds of thoughts might come up for you. You might tell yourself that you can’t do it, or that you will look stupid and silly. Those are stories your mind is telling you that will fuel that desire to continue avoiding. Or that self-talk might make you want to escape the situation before it is over. That also will serve to reinforce your anxiety. Instead of engaging with that negative self-talk, find a way to observe it and distance yourself from it. For example, you might visualize your thoughts as if they are leaves falling from a tree into the river and heading downstream. You aren’t trying to control them, just noticing them and letting them pass you by. This can take some practice and skill in mindfulness. For more about using mindfulness to manage self-talk -  see my posts What is Mindfulness or Managing Unhelpful Thoughts.

Go in with realistic expectations:

You might start to think that if you try leaning in to the discomfort that your anxiety will be eliminated. That if you do something enough times, you will get used to it and no longer experience anxiety in those situations. Unfortunately, this is just not true and I don’t want that to be your goal when you try something new. The goal is to do the important thing even though you might experience some anxiety. The hope is that anxiety won’t hold you back so much and often it may become less intense over time but if not feeling anxiety at all is the goal, you will likely become frustrated and disappointed when sometimes it shows up or intensifies. 

Remember, this is hard work!

As always, this is much easier said than done and sometimes anxiety or intrusive thoughts can be too much to conquer on your own. If you are finding yourself struggling or wanting help with changing your relationship to your anxiety, don’t be afraid to seek professional assistance. Allowing yourself to ask for help can be your first step toward leaning into the discomfort. 

Don’t forget to reach out here if you are curious about chatting with me about strategies for giving up trying to control your anxiety and leaning in to living the life you want.

Summary/TL;DR

If anxiety is holding you back from living your best life, it's time to stop trying to control it. Embrace discomfort as a part of your journey. Identify what matters most to you and lean into experiences that spark joy, even if anxiety is present. Challenge negative self-talk and set realistic expectations for managing your feelings. Remember, this process takes practice, and seeking professional help can be a vital step toward reclaiming your life. You deserve to live fully and authentically.