Silencing Your Inner Critic: How to Disconnect and Embrace Self-Compassion
One of the most common struggles I see in my practice is how hard people can be on themselves. Many people are their own worst critics, consistently undermining their own achievements and doubting their worth. Even when things go well, they attribute it to luck or having “fooled” others, rather than recognizing their own skills or positive attributes. This harsh inner dialogue can be exhausting, leaving people feeling trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, unworthiness, and shame.
DISCLAIMER: I am a licensed clinical psychologist, and the information provided here is for general informational and educational purposes only. While I aim to share helpful and thoughtful content, reading this blog does not establish or imply a therapist-client relationship between us.
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek immediate help from a licensed professional or contact emergency services in your area. This blog should not be a substitute for professional mental health care or personalized guidance.
For personalized support or therapy services, please reach out directly to a licensed mental health provider in your area.
What is an Inner Critic?
At its core, the inner critic is often a defense mechanism—a way of protecting you from the experience of shame. Shame, a deep sense of being unworthy or "not enough," is one of the most painful emotions we can experience. Our inner critic, though harsh, believes it’s helping us. It tells us, “If I can point out your flaws before anyone else does, maybe I can protect you from the sting of rejection or failure.”
How the Inner Critic Backfires
However, this approach backfires. Instead of shielding us from harm, it perpetuates feelings of inadequacy. The critic's voice becomes so loud that we start to believe its distortions about who we are and what we’re capable of. The problem is, arguing with this voice rarely works—trying to reason with it often just keeps you stuck in a loop of overthinking and self-criticism.
So how do we quiet this inner voice? It starts with changing our relationship to it.
Defusing the Power of Negative Self-Talk
One helpful approach comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and is called <<defusion>>. Rather than fighting with or trying to silence your inner critic, defusion helps you get space from it. By distancing yourself from the thoughts rather than getting tangled up in them, you can observe them more objectively and decide how much weight to give them.
Simple Techniques to Practice Defusion
A powerful defusion technique involves personifying your inner critic. Try imagining your critical thoughts coming from an entity entirely separate from you; as if your judging mind or thoughts have a personality of their own. For example, you might give your inner critic a name, like "Judging Jenny" or "Critical Carl." When you externalize the voice this way, it becomes easier to recognize it as just that—a voice, not the truth about who you are.
When that voice says, “You’re not good enough,” you can respond, “That’s just Judging Jenny talking again.” It can be helpful to speak directly to the critic: “I see what you’re trying to do, but I don’t need your input right now.”
Rewriting Your Internal Story
Another approach is to retell the story your critic is pushing on you. If your inner voice says, “This project was a disaster, you failed,” you can reframe it as a learning opportunity: “This is not a failure; it’s the beginning of something new. I’m learning and growing through this process.”
Can You Befriend Your Inner Critic?
Believe it or not, one way to quiet your inner critic is to befriend it. Instead of seeing the critic as your enemy, recognize that it’s trying—albeit ineffectively—to protect you. It’s trying to help you avoid pain, even though it often misses the mark. By acknowledging this intention, you can begin to soften your relationship with your inner critic.
Instead of reacting with frustration, you might say to the critical voice, “I understand you’re trying to protect me, but I don’t need you right now. I’ve got this.” This allows you to disarm the critic without letting it control your behavior or undermine your self-worth.
The Voice of Self-Compassion
In contrast to the inner critic, which thrives on harshness and judgment, there’s another voice within us that we need to cultivate: the voice of self-compassion. This is the voice that speaks to you like a loving friend, or as if you were talking to your younger self—kind, understanding, and supportive.
How to Respond with Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook for mistakes; it’s about offering yourself the same care and encouragement you would give to someone you love. When the inner critic says, “You’ll never be good enough,” your self-compassionate voice can respond, “I’m doing my best, and I’m learning every step of the way.”
Strengthening Your Self-Compassion Voice
By strengthening the voice, you begin to counterbalance the negativity of your inner critic with encouragement, validation, and support. Over time, this voice can become louder and more present in your life, helping you to see yourself through a kinder, more balanced lens.
Shifting from Perfectionism to Growth
One of the biggest traps of the inner critic is its black-and-white thinking. You’re either a success or a failure, worthy or unworthy, good enough or not. But this dichotomy leaves little room for growth. The truth is, life is a constant process of learning and becoming, not a checklist of achievements.
When we can step out of the binary thinking of our inner critic, we open ourselves up to a growth mindset. Instead of asking, “Why wasn’t I perfect?” we can ask, “What can I learn from this?” This shift in perspective makes space for growth, resilience, and continued self-improvement.
Rather than being obsessed with who you are right now, consider focusing on who you are becoming. Growth isn’t always linear, but it’s always happening. Your inner critic wants you to focus on the gap between where you are and where you want to be. But focusing on a growth mindset can remind you that every step forward—no matter how small—is a step in the right direction.
Conclusion: Making Peace with the Critic
The inner critic doesn’t have to be an enemy and it doesn’t have to be in the driver’s seat. By practicing defusion, personifying your critic, retelling the story, and nurturing a self-compassionate voice, you can begin to make peace with this part of yourself.
Remember, the goal isn’t to completely silence the critic, but to develop a healthier relationship with it. The critic is loud because it’s scared—scared of failure, of shame, of being unworthy. But as you strengthen your self-compassion and growth mindset, you’ll find that your inner critic becomes less of a tyrant and more of a misunderstood part of yourself. With time, you can learn to navigate its harshness with compassion, patience, and the wisdom of someone who is always growing. This isn’t easy work and it can be helpful to have a guide along the way. If you’re interested in professional support on this journey–I’d love to hear from you.
